Such a Turn-Off
"Here's what I recommend," said Suchana. "We can watch The Tailor of Panama."
"Is that a documentary?" the voice seemed remote, before Liam emerged down the corridor. "Since when did I start liking documentaries?"
"You always did. You just didn't know it." she purred.
"Righhht." He ruffled his freshly dried hair and dropped himself into the sofa next to her.
"Okay fine, how about 'Drip'?"
"Isn't that a horror movie?"
"You've got something better to do tonight?" she cooed.
He found his hand reaching towards her, but then pulled back. Geez, he knew it would never work. But he sometimes couldn't control himself.
"I guess I don't," he stifled the sigh in his throat. A thought popped in. "How many stars rating is it?"
"One sec, let me check." The pause seemed longer than usual. "It's... two stars."
"And what about Rotten Tomatoes?"
"36%"
"See that's the issue. If it was 33, I might have said yes. I can tell someone 1 in 3 critics liked it. But 36%? That's not humanizable enough, you know what I mean?"
"36 and 33 aren't really that far," she laughed.
"Sometimes things can seem really close, but actually be very far." he swallowed hard. He prayed she didn’t catch the longing in his voice.
"Three percent. Puhlease! Do you really think you can beat ME at math?"
"No, I don't. I never liked math."
"So lucky you found me, right, Liam?"
"Lucky, lucky me."
"Okay, then, let's watch something you already like."
Liam softened up and grabbed nachos and salsa. He had it all to himself.
"You like Disney movies, right?"
"Loved them. Especially Lion King. Fucking A. Except the part where Mufasa dies. As in, the lion's dad."
"Wait, you've seen it before? How come I don't know this! Why don't you TELL me anything?"
Liam was about to open his mouth. and let her have it. But he knew it was pointless. He withdrew.Â
"Okay, then we can watch the remake", she relented. "I know exactly what's going to happen."
"I just told you what happens! You're ridiculous, you know that?" Liam barked, tossing the salsa dish back on the table.
"I'm NOT being ridiculous! You know I can figure out the endings every time. Okayyyy, so you want me to select the remake?"
"Wait. Check the critics rating."
"You have GOT to be kidding me!"
Suchana had begun to sound more agitated than ever before. He squirmed away from her.
"Here I am, finding something you can be sure of...."
"You can't be sure of ANYTHING!" He shot back. Hell, he knew! That's why he was sitting here on a Saturday night, stuck with her.
She sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, babe. Let's look it up."
He struggled to pull himself from descending into self-pity. He focused on the flavour of the nacho, the crackle as it cracked...
"Well, you were right. 12% approval rating."
"See, I told you. The original is the original. Doing it with special effects might just make it worse. What did the critics say?"
"What, do you expect me to read now?"
"Well, you've got the info. I'm just eating."
"I am not going to read reviews out! In case you haven't noticed, I’m too tired for that! Babe, let's just start the movie."
"The movie? You just said it sucks!" Liam shot back
"So that's no reason not to watch it!" Suchana cooed.
Liam spat out the nachos mid sentence. She was losing it. Maybe he had pushed her beyond the limits.
"Why can't you just watch something because you want to?" she rattled on. "Why do you need me to read other people's opinions? Do you not have your own opinion?"
"I do!" Liam wasn't going to hold back this time. "My opinion is that you're making no sense!"
"As if! Why can't you choose something and stick with it? Why can't you be... decisive? A real man? You know what- this is why I'm even here!"
"SHUT UP!"
"Why can't you just watch what I recomme..."
He knew he'd gone too far. She fell completely silent.
He leapt towards her. "Suchana, baby, I'm sorry. Suchana, SUCHANA!"
He looked down and his worst fears were confirmed. Her front light had turned off, with the battery fully drained. She lay hollow and tiny on the cushion.
He wrapped his palm around her for a second and closed his eyes. She was right. He plugged her in for charging, and stared out of the window,
Then he shrugged, plonked himself in front of the screen, turned on Lion King, and fastforwarded to the scene he liked best. Simba and Nala falling
over each on the hillside and landing in an embrace.
He stole another look at Suchana, as the notes of 'Can you feel the love tonight?' echoed across the room in Beyoncé's sultry vibrato. He was almost certain that right then, her red light came on. To wink.
